


Beacons

by sombreset



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh!, Yu-Gi-Oh! Series
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst and Tragedy, Atem is kinda full of anxiety, Blindshipping, Drug Abuse, Established Relationship, Lots of memories, M/M, Nobody is ok, Puzzleshipping, Rated Mature for explicit language and just dark themes overall, Sorry this is really depressing but I needed to vent, Suicide, There's a car accident, Yugi and Atem are essentially in a long term relationship, Yugi is angry, not even me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-21
Updated: 2016-08-21
Packaged: 2018-08-10 02:12:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7826170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sombreset/pseuds/sombreset
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What kind of person was he before? He didn't remember.<br/>All those memories of better times could have just been fabricated, a tease of a happiness that felt anything but real. </p><p>In which there was an accident, and Yugi does not cope with it very well.<br/>Contains light fluffy Puzzleshipping/Blindshipping. WARNING: ! NOT A LIGHT READ. !</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beacons

**Author's Note:**

> As the summary stated, this really isn't a light read. There's a bit of fluff, but please don't read if suicide/depressing topics/death/alcohol abuse/ect. affect you in a negative way. Inspired by La Dispute's song Woman (In Mirror).  
> Reviews are very helpful. Thank you.

_There are moments here, only yours and mine. Tiny dots on an endless timeline_

Moonlight shone through the dusty shutter shades, as much as they would let it. They hadn’t been opened in a long time. _Sometimes the darkness made it seem like he was still here._ Yugi liked them open, but he wouldn’t touch them. Any reminder of lightness only reminded him that everything was just too fucking _bright_ , as if he himself shone an aura that reflected off of the walls, off of the floor, off the boxes of meaningful and meaningless items, and he hated it. A thin sheet of dust resided on every object in the room. The room looked as if it had been full of life about a year ago, but then there was a sudden evacuation, everything in its places, nothing had been touched. Nothing had left the room. There was a globe on the desk in the corner. Yugi was excited when he bought it, at the time he had created the plan that he and the other one would travel across the globe _(Egypt wasn’t enough)_ and then mark the places they had went with tiny dots. The globe had no marks on it; it was just an idea after all. Picture frames were placed next to the globe, all of them still looking bright and vivid, yet screaming to be set free from the sheet of grey dust that had covered up happier times, better days. All of the pictures were from last year. All were taken in haste, as if more photos and memories would make up for the time the other one had spent without a body, without his arm wrapped around Yugi and grinning with teeth showing in every picture. _He was happy then, wasn’t he?_  There were other things, there, in the room that meant something to someone, at some time. But once the owners of those memories disappear, the items become nothing more than the material they were made out of. The old grandfather clock that had mesmerized Yugi with all of its parts and gears. That TV that they never really used much because the coloring was starting to distort, the other one didn’t care much for electronics anyways. Understandable.

They did watch a few movies on that TV. One was some movie about a guy who fell in love with his phone. The other one actually enjoyed it, much to Yugi’s surprise. After the movie was over, the other one just kind of sat there. He started at the paused screen in thought, a slight frown on his lips, though he wasn’t angry.

…

_“Hey…” Yugi lightly tapped his shoulder, shifting slightly in the pale colored throw blanket they had on top of their legs. Empty cups that still had rings of hot chocolate inside sat on the floor._

_No response._

_“Did you not like it?”_

_Silence. The other one’s eyes didn’t stray._

_Yugi felt his heart jerk in his chest. He knew that they should’ve done something else; he knew he didn’t like movies. He wasted his time. Yugi actually thought the movie was quite good, insightful, although sometimes the monologues were a little over his head._

_The other one continued to stare at the screen for another minute or so, before twisting his torso to his left, to Yugi. He wrapped one of his arms around Yugi’s back, gently letting his hand rest on his arm. The other one’s right arm still sat at his side, but he let his head rest on top of Yugi’s.  His lips were lightly pressed against his forehead. Strands of ash blonde hair from the taller man brushed against Yugi’s cheeks._

_No words were spoken for a moment that felt endless._

_(Tiny dots)_

_“…they reminded me of us.”_

_Despite the moment they just shared, Yugi couldn’t help but laugh. The other one moved his head back, but kept his arm around the other’s body. The smaller of the two looked up at the other’s face, which was displayed with raw embarrassment; no attempt was made to cover it._

_Yugi’s laughs turned into giggles, then into a smile. “Why so? Do I remind you of a phone or something? Or do you secretly like technology and just wanted to hide it after all this time?” His words were light, he was playing around._

_The other one’s lip twitched with the faint idea of a smile, but his cheeks were still slightly pink from Yugi’s happy outburst, his mouth still rigid._

_“…No… that’s not it. I just…” He pursed his lips. “I know how it feels to…feel trapped.”_

_Yugi stopped smiling, kicking himself mentally for making the jokes. He understood now._

_“When I was in the puzzle, I always talked of being by your side. But I never really was, was I?”_

_The other one laughed without humor._

_Yugi felt his stomach sink, his hands cold with pity for the other.  He had to say something. “I mean… you weren’t there physically, I guess, but it made no difference! In fact, I think sharing a body actually made our bond stronger. I mean, that’s technically closer, physically, uh, than just being two bodies standing next to each other. Right?”_

_Yugi bit the inside of his cheek. Great, trying to sound meaningful, but he couldn’t trick anyone. The other was sad, and he saw past Yugi’s sad attempt at creating light_ (ironic) _of the situation._

_“I suppose so, but… Same with them, right? He can have her anywhere. Hear her any time. But, he can’t look at her. He can only hear her voice. It… it just gets so lonely. Ra, I hated feeling so trapped. I promised to never leave. But then again…” The other one’s face turned cold with frustration. Yugi saw his eyes, they were starting to cloud over with tiny red veins, signs of crying._

_“There were so many,” He took a second to breathe, to swallow. “So many times where the puzzle was taken. I promised to protect you, but how can I when I’m so easily disposed?”_

_Yugi remained quiet, at loss of words. He just kept on looking at his face._

_“The fire… you almost burned alive trying to get me. Get the puzzle. It’s not as if I could just magically grant myself physical form and free the puzzle from the wall.” His face crinkled slightly. “If Joey had not have shown up… Yugi, you would have died.”_

_Yugi was quiet._

_“I could only sit there, and scream. Tell you to run. I tried so many times. But you couldn’t hear me. There were other times, too. I try to be strong for you, but …fuck when it really counted, back during our adventures, without the puzzle around your neck I was useless. …Just… fucking useless.”  The other one never cursed._

_“The woman in the phone, the program, she tried to coax him, to help him. But if the servers shut down, the power went out, the headpiece dropped just a little too hard, no matter what sort of help she provided, it was all over. Gone. Helpless to the elements. What kind of help is that? …Yugi, what kind of help… would I be?”_

_The other one was crying. His lip was trembling slightly, stuck out in a little unintentional pout. Tears stuck to his long eyelashes, the rest of them rolling down his nose, his cheeks, down to his chin before falling onto the blanket._

_Yugi couldn’t say anything. Ra, the stress he must have had in those moments…  still does…_

_So he didn’t say anything much. Just the clichés, “It’ll be ok,” “You’re a wonderful person,” “I’m sorry,”_

_How the Hell could he fix this? How ‘come he was chosen to be the light, when it was_ so _obviously the other one? It was wrong. All fucking wrong._

_He was the beacon._

_Even,_

_Back then,_

_No matter how far the puzzle flew away from him,_

_It would always shine its golden rays,_

_Bringing Yugi back to the puzzle_

_Back to_

_Home_

_(Tiny dots)_

_…_

The couch. Used to watch TV only a few times. He had read books there. They watched that movie there. On the day that they purchased it, little arguments were started over in the corner of whatever store they bought it in. He didn’t remember the name. He said it was too small, that if he napped on it his feet would hang off. Yugi thought it was just fine. Of course he did. Hell, the other had about a foot advantage over him? They ended up getting it anyways. The other never slept on it. He sat on it, watched that movie, wrapped his arms around him.

Cried.

Yugi thought for a second. They really weren’t that similar, despite looking so identical, with their flashy hairstyles and –

Well that was just about it, wasn’t it?

He was always confused as to why his friends didn’t figure out the differences between the two earlier on. Even towards the end, they still called the other one ‘Yugi.’ Were they really that unobservant? The other was taller, tanner, his ruby eyes and his own amethyst, different eye shapes (much more narrow than his own, which were always big and open in such a childish way)

_I am a beacon to nobody._

He stumbled a bit, in the doorway, the objects in the room shifting around him. He half slid, half fell into the doorframe, sliding his body down until his legs gave out from under him, a lazy defeat. He hit the floor with a thud, but he didn’t really feel it. His head leaned against the cold wood, little pieces of his hair were strewn about, some caught on mechanics above his head in the wall, or the door frame, he wasn’t sure. Didn’t care. The pulling felt kind of nice in a way, it was a soft sting that contrasted the overall _numbness_ he always felt. He fumbled his hands into his right jacket pocket, seeking out a lighter because _it was so cold_ and grabbed a cigarette, but his shaky hands allowed a few of them to roll out from his clothing, and roll onto the floor. His beacon had hated the smell of these things. So did he at some point.

He held the cigarette up to his mouth with two trembling fingers, held it there, teeth lightly assuring it wouldn’t fall from his grip. His other hand which was just as shaky held up the purple lighter he had bought from a gas station not too far from home.

…

_The power went out. The beacon jumped a bit, his hands instinctively unclenching the novel he was reading. He lost his place in his book, which had fallen into his blanket covered lap. It was late. Darkness swept over the room in a second._

_“Yugi?” His heart was pounding. He wasn’t sure why. Breathing quickened, the rain was so loud. The thunder even louder as it shook the house. He scrambled off the couch, his legs struggling to free themselves from the mess of blanket he was in before. In his haste, he lifted one leg to walk while the other was still on the floor with the blanket wrapped around it, effectively stunting his movement. He sloppily stumbled and tripped over the blanket. He grasped for something, there was nothing, he grabbed air, and fell onto the floor. The floor was shadows. They moved across his eyes, across the walls. They whispered to him. Brushed nails on his skin. Pressed their weight on his back, his sides, his mind.  Told him to go back. Back to the shadows. He knew them well. Thousands of years. Endless. The puzzle. His choice. His eyes were wide open, but there was just darkness, and more darkness and Ra he hated it, where was he, where was Yugi, stop breathing so hard don’t let them touch you don’t let them claw at your face, don’t let them hear your fear they eat it up and laugh and they—_

_“Hey… hey! You’re okay! Shh, sorry, I was upstairs getting out of the bath, I didn’t hear you I’m sorry I’m sorry it’s okay…”_

_Yugi didn’t need the beacon to tell him what was wrong. He already knew._

_“Here, hold on.”_

_Yugi got up and blindly reached out for the wall, and used it as a guide to step into the kitchen. He fumbled around for one of the drawers under the microwave. He pulled it open and he could still hear his labored breathing from across the room. He grabbed the object he was looking for; he just had to feel it to know what it was. He was careful and stepped by the man on the floor, lightly pressing him with his feet so he knew where he was. The other one jumped a little, and Yugi said little reassuring words. He walked over to the end table at the end of the couch. He dragged his thumb down the ragged surface of the gear-like wheel at the end of the lighter, and after a few tries, a tiny light emerged. Light hungrily ate up the dark, casting wavering shadows in every direction. He lit the candle on the table, and moved onto the ones on the fireplace, on that weird decoration they got on sale one day that held too many candles that rarely were used._

_He turned around and looked at the heap of human and cotton on the floor. It shook. There it was. His weakness. There was no façade for this one. Maybe he would have tried to act differently if someone else was here, but not with Yugi. His emotions were raw, untampered, untreated. Yugi walked over to the couch again, grabbing the book, and sat down next to the beacon. He ran his left hand through the other’s hair, gently combing it backwards (it was so soft) and his right hand propped open the book to a random page. It was a little difficult with just one hand, but he used his elbow to hold down one page, the hand holding the other. It was difficult. But not when it was for him. Then, it was important._

_He began reading from the page. He wasn’t sure what he was reading, or what was going on._

_His thumb gently ran up the other’s ear, carefully, a repeated process. A sign of support. It was soothing._

_And he continued to read. The beacon’s breathing slowed, and he felt his warm hand curl around his waist. He was so human._

_Yugi smiled._

_And he kept on reading._

_…_

Yugi had a shitty excuse for a drug addiction. He wanted to just _feel_ something but he was too scared to actually try any of the hard drugs that had been offered to him out of pity. Instead, he felt comfort in what he could find, what he could buy. Sometimes it was cigarettes, but he hated the smell. Not Yugi, not anymore, he hated it. The other one. Other times it was alcohol. He usually settled with whatever pills he found lying around because the other one _always_ overstocked on medicine whenever he started to feel ill. Yugi laughed without humor, the sound coming out like muffled water.

He dragged his finger over the rough gears of the lighter. Got it in one try, perhaps he struck it a little too roughly. The little flame appeared, a tiny puff of smoke accompanying it. The shadows danced in the room again, taunting him. Reminding him. He lit the cigarette, though it took a while because _why the fuck was he shaking_ and breathed in the sweet smoke, let it fill him, touch his lungs, his fingertips, his mind, everything.

The smoke poured from his nostrils, his mouth, though the sound of his exhale was rough, it trembled. He sat there for who knows how long. He spaced out until he felt heat near his lips, and ashes fall on his ripped pants. He took one last drag from the cigarette, grabbed one off the floor, and lit the new one with the end of the other. The new one began to smoke, and it was lifted up to his lips, a repeated process that wasn’t unfamiliar. He held the used drug in his hand. He looked down at his leg, curiously. Without thinking, mindless idea, he slowly brought the used up thing to his leg, spotting a rather large rip in his jeans where pale skin shone. _Too bright. Too clean. Too untainted._ He pressed the ashy mess into his leg with a little bit more force than he meant, and at first he felt nothing. He smiled. Suddenly it burned, stung uncomfortably like a cut, “Shit!” and he threw the cigarette across the floor, a little path of ashes following it.

He cursed under his breath, again, mad at his stupidity. There was a little red dot on his skin below him, with tiny little grey flakes surrounding it, and a giant smudge of the same color underneath it.

“Stupid.”

His voice sounded unfamiliar to him, he never used it anymore. It was someone else. Not the same person that he saw in his memories, this other version of himself that was carefree, smiley, unaware. Oblivious of what was to come.

He let himself fall backwards, a tiny throbbing in his leg, and a new soreness in his head as it hit the wooden panels of the floor. The ceiling was so boring. It all looked the same, stupid patterns to draw in stupid people.

His eyes fluttered shut. The end of the forgotten cigarette in his mouth started to become soggy, he had forgotten about it. Good thing it didn’t fall onto his cheeks, he didn’t want that. He felt his head roll, but he knew his body wasn’t actually moving. The ringing in his ears started up, and _he had been here, this way, so many times_

He was drugged up again. Dirty. Bloodshot eyes. Dirt in his fingernails. Burnt skin. 

He was all fucked up. Again.

But

_Wasn’t he always? What kind of person was he before?_

_He didn’t remember._

_All those memories of better times could have just been fabricated, a tease of a happiness that felt anything but real._

_…_

_Another cough, another hack sanding down what was left of Yugi’s throat, he felt like he had this illness a thousand times as a child. Wasn’t he over having stupid colds? He was 21 for Ra’s sake, how come he never saw his …no, not them. He barely remembered the pair of humans anymore. His grandpa, how come he never got sick? He was old and vulnerable, yet he seemed so vibrant and full of vigor, as if his imminent death wasn’t closer than it was far away._

_The door unlocked and opened. He stepped -- no, he glided into the house like he always did, always would. That’s why Yugi couldn’t hear his steps, only the quiet sound of the door shutting, latching back into place. He was singing something, a radio song he had heard a few days ago. Yugi didn’t really like the song that much, but then again, modern music was entirely new to his other one. He was just trying to adjust to modern society without the constant assistance of Yugi, and his personality made it seem as if he had it all figured out, but to the other one it was just another game: Pretend you know the answers, fool everyone, hide the confusion, they might just believe you._

_The door to his bedroom quietly unhitched, the other one walking in with a plastic bag. He was wrapped in coats and scarves and fabrics of all sorts, and yet his face was still flush with cold. The bag he held shook slightly. Yugi knew that if not for trying to uphold his dignified presence, he would be shaking like a leaf, teeth chattering, hands rubbing arms for warmth. He could see how hard his other one was trying to resist the natural reactions his body should be having and he wished that the other one would just_ stop it.

_“Good morning, Yugi. I uh, I noticed you were running low on cough drops, so I figured I’d run out and grab some while you were sleeping.”_

_Yugi glanced at the bag the other one was holding, there were certainly more shapes that didn’t fit the size capacity of just those few items, he had obviously gone overboard buying medicine, damn his protectiveness. Damn medicine, damn cold, damn – “I also bought some chocolate. It’s a special kind, see?”_

_The other one pulled a hexagonal small food box out of the bag, a chocolate of sorts. “I know that with the cold weather hot chocolate is …a thing people have here, but this one sounded interesting. It has different spices in it. I think you’ll like it.”_

_Yugi smiled._

_He saw right through him._

_The other one was the sweets fan, but Yugi knew how it went. The other one always bought chocolate and candies for him, only to ask for a few bites. Why was he like that? Why couldn’t he just buy it for himself? He loved the man, but the high horse the other one sat on must have pierced the clouds. The other one didn’t want that though, he knew that._

_But he was like this anyways._

_“I also noticed you had your eyes on that wooden puzzle we saw last week at that coffee shop downtown, and I happened to be near there… so, here. For you, aibou.” He pulled a tiny box out of the bag, and held it out to his beloved._

_Yugi grabbed the puzzle from the other one and looked it over. In many ways, it was like the Millennium Puzzle. 3D pieces in a box, nothing more than objects that would mean something if assembled correctly. It was made out of a light colored wood, polished enough to not splinter the skin, but there was no glossy feeling to it either. The pieces sat in a clear plastic box, a mess whose only purpose for existing is to be solved by someone else. There were at least 20 pieces in the box, each having tiny grooves and smoothed edges. There was a cheap plastic wrapping around the plastic box that displayed what the puzzle was, but the other one had apparently used a marker to completely scribble over the description and reference picture of the solved mystery. Yugi could tell that the puzzle would most likely be some sort of three dimensional shape with some rounded edges, but fuck, with no reference, how would he know if he did anything right in the first place? He could have it stuck together in the entirely wrong fashion, and how the fuck was he supposed to know if he solved it wrong?_

_“…Thank you. You shouldn’t have.”_

_Yugi bit his lip and looked away._

_The other one set the bag down gently, the edges and crevices of the plastic bag popping annoyingly for the next few minutes. The other one walked toward Yugi’s bed, and sat next to him the best he could without flattening the tiny warm human with all of the coats and scarves the other one had adorned on his body. The other one ungloved one of his hands, gently setting the blue mitten he had been wearing next to Yugi’s side. He reached over, his hand still slightly shaking from the cold, and took Yugi’s warm hand in his. Yugi loved when the other one showed affection, but fucking Ra his hands were freezing! The warmer and sicker hand twitched with discomfort, but it didn’t try to leave the grasp of the cold hand. It would’ve been easy, that hand was shaking for more reasons than the weather._

_“Actually, Yugi.” The other one’s ruby eyes looked up to Yugi, then quickly down to the floor. Yugi caught how he bit his lip slightly, instinctively, until he caught himself and readjusted his face to something more serious. “I’ve been meaning to ask you something.”_

_“Yeah?”_

_The other one seemed to stare off into space for a few seconds, his eyes unfocused in the direction of a photograph on the wall. But, Yugi knew that he never did such a thing as spacing out. If he was silent, it was because he was planning something, strategizing, thinking. Ra, he tried so hard to not show weakness, Yugi couldn’t stand it. He believed those lies in his actions a little too well ._

_“Did…”_

_He paused._

_“Did I do something wrong?”_

_Yugi held his breath. Squeezed his hand._

_“…No. I promise. You’re just such a selfless person. I envy your strength. I’m glad… so glad you stayed with me.”_

_…_

He got up, using the wooden frame of the house to support him. Why was he here again?

Oh.

The objects, all imperfectly in their places, needed to go away. Most everything downstairs was already packed up. He wasn’t sure how long it took him, it was all a blur leading up to this moment.

It all just felt like time was shoving him forward, but he didn’t want to go. He didn’t want to go forward. He wanted to go back.

He wanted him back.

He walked forward, into the room, to the end table. A book was there, dust and all adorning it. There was a bookmark in it. Thirty pages until the end, maybe? It looked like it. Too bad it would never be finished. Hadn’t been touched in months.

Yugi rolled the cigarette to the side of his mouth. There was barely any heat coming from it.

He picked up the book. Looked at it.

His eyes unfocused. Suddenly, he was angry. _So upset, for so long._ He threw it at the wall, screamed at it. He wasn’t sure why. Cursed at it. The cigarette fell from his mouth, onto the floor.

“Fucking, of course,” He flipped up his middle fingers at the tiny drug on the floor, stepped on it. Dragged his foot. He wasn’t sure why he did that either. He turned on his feet, saw the porcelain cat he had bought impulsively at a thrift store. He was with him at that store. He was with him, then. Back then.

He stormed towards the unknowing object. He pushed the desk chair aside, it rolled away before tipping on its side, the sound of the spinning wheels on its legs filling the silence, aside from Yugi’s angered breathing. He took a good look at the fragile decoration, before deciding to throw it where he had thrown the book. It hit the wall, broke with ease. He screamed again. He snaked his fingers through his hair, pulled at it. His scalp burned in protest. Oh well.

He paced the room, snorting and angry, looking for something else to destroy. Something caught his eye. He walked towards it, taunting the inanimate thing with his words. Empty space that filled the shadows of the house. He grabbed the thing, looked at it. Breathed angrily at it. He wanted to throw it, but then he saw it.

He stopped breathing.

It was his.

His deck box.

It was a leather holder, worn at the edges, dust playing at its surface.  A seemingly worthless thing but _he loved it so much_

_It was an old, dirty object._

He thought of purple. The Eye of Horus. A car. A noise. Stars.

He felt it, moved the pad of his thumb across its textured surface. It’s soft and worn exterior told stories. But it was silent, the stories were gone.

His rage subsided. His eyes stung. A familiar feeling. Hot tears gathered at his eyelashes. He hated it. He fell on the floor (again) because his legs didn’t want to hold him up anymore and _he just couldn’t do this anymore_

So he sat there

And he cried loudly, not bothering to be quiet. He screamed, hiccupped, couldn’t breathe at times. His throat hurt, it felt like something was lodged there, and he couldn’t swallow around it. His head hurt.

“Why…” He sniffled, his face warm and wet with tears.

He hugged that old deck box to his chest.

“Atem…”

…

_The stars shone brightly in the sky, they stood still as the trees around them blurred by. The radio was on, Atem was humming along to it. Yugi wished Atem knew the words, because he had a wonderful singing voice. He was shy about it, though. He had to catch him when he thought he was alone._

_Sometimes he sat out on their front lawn, singing some tune in a language he recognized, but didn’t know. Some sort of Egyptian lullaby. He wanted to ask what it was, but if he announced his presence, he was sure he’d stop singing._

_The car was relatively quiet; there was only the noise of the engine and the road below them. It started to snow. The little flakes blew past the window of the car and it was so lovely._

_He looked at Atem. Shifted slightly._

_“Whatcha wanna do when we get back to Domino?”_

_It was too late tonight to do anything. Silly question. Shit._

_Atem sighed with thought, his eyes still looking towards the road. He moved the steering wheel slightly as they approached a turn. “Well… maybe read? Unless you want to do something. I’m okay with anything, really.”_

_Yugi’s eyes traced his face. The dimly lit road illuminated his face so nicely, the contouring of his cheeks, his long lashes, his lips, the tiny shadows his collarbones casted from above the hem of the sweater he was wearing_

_And his heart filled with warmth_

_He loved him_

_He loved him so fucking much_

_The car made a little noise as it shifted gears._

_“Hey, Atem?”_

_“Hm?”_

_“I just… I have a lot on my mind. I want to say things, but I don’t want to sound cheesy.”_

_Yugi looked at his own hands, pressing the tips of his pointer fingers together, a childish gesture representing nervousness. Something girls with middle school crushes did._

_“I just… I love you so much. I’m so happy I have you.” Yugi smiled, his heart was so full, swollen with happiness, rich in color and life. “I’m so glad you chose to stay, to not go on to the afterlife. I know it’s selfish, but I don’t know how I could live without you.”_

_“Aibou...” He glanced over at Yugi, red eyes observing the tiny figure in the passenger seat. His purple eyes were gazing at the floor of the car, his legs stretched out—an easy accomplishment for him. He was relatively short after all; he could fit snugly into anything._

_“Don’t say that. I appreciate your words, but you know why I offered to go to the afterlife. I want you to be strong, whether I’m there or not.”_

_“I know, but—“_

_“Yugi. I want you to know something. How I view love,” Atem’s cheeks were suddenly rosy, Yugi saw it. He loved it. “When I was still a spirit in the puzzle, it was like our two halves made a whole. After my descent into my memories, when I had a body separate from yours, I realized something. We weren’t two halves of the same whole. We never have been.”_

_Yugi hoped his speech had a different ending. Something in Atem’s words upset him. He felt like he was his half… didn’t he feel the same way?_

_“Yugi…” He paused for a second. “It’s like we are two fires. We both shine bright, and are able to light up rooms, cities maybe. But… it’s not like we didn’t shine bright alone, it’s that together, when our fires combine, we have enough energy to light up the world.”_

_Atem’s lips frowned in embarrassment, knowing his comparison was silly. But he believed it._

_“See, we aren’t two halves of one whole. We both are capable of so much, but together, we are so much more. This is why, even if I had not have stayed, you would have remained strong, independent, and just as amazing as you always have been. I know it.”_

_Yugi finally understood. He got it. He smiled. His eyes stung. That familiar feeling._

_“Right… Atem… you’re so right. Thank you. I still would have missed you, though.”_

_“As would I, if you ever left my side.”_

_One of the hands that rested on the steering wheel fell between the two men, open handed. An invite. Yugi took the hand, laced his fingers with his. He was so warm._

_Trees flew by_

_Headlights lit the road_

_Snow drifted_

_Tiny dots_

_…_

Yugi went downstairs. He wasn’t going to pack anything. He knew he probably wouldn’t have, anyways. How could he? He thought of calling an old friend for help, but he had severed ties with most of them. He was an asshole sometimes, but he really just wanted to get a rise out of people. He was tired of all of the pity, the happy gestures. They all just did it to make themselves feel accomplished; they helped a poor and sick fuck who lost his way in life. Either that or they just wanted him to get better so they had the cheery old friend they knew. They didn’t have patience for the new person. So he scared them away. He threw something at Joey once. He said some choice words to Kaiba that the rich man wasn’t so fond of. Tea was crying that one day when they were at his house. She was saying something about Atem, something about himself, the wooden puzzle. Some sort of bullshit like that. He threw a chair across the room, so she left, fear and disappointment in her eyes. There were other friends too, lots of them. He made them all leave.

He couldn’t remember when he started drinking. He had grown accustomed to wine with dinner in the past, but it wasn’t like this. Atem liked wine. He remembered how he would lightly swish the beverage around in its glass, before sipping at it. Yugi bought him pricey reserve bottles sometimes when he just felt like surprising him.

All of the wine was gone; he had drank all of it long ago. There was no sipping though, it was gluttonous chugs. Atem would’ve been disgusted at the sight.  In its place was cheap vodka, the kind nobody liked.

Yugi didn’t buy it because he liked it.

He walked into the kitchen, _it was a wreck, food everywhere_ and opened the pantry door. To his right was a shelf that used to contain canned foods and liquor that was only used on special occasions. Currently, empty bottles and cans graced the floor, the shelf only held a couple cans of vegetables he didn’t care for, and the thing he was looking for, that cheap alcohol he loved so much. He grabbed the bottle. It made a sloshing noise in protest. It was a quarter empty, enough for him. He set it on the counter after moving some papers and take-out boxes aside. _It smelled terrible._ He opened the cabinet where the cups were, and reached for a shot glass. His fingers stopped inches before it, before moving to the right and instead grabbing a taller glass. His hands brushed against that wine glass Atem always used, it shook a bit before balancing itself out. He set the glass down on the counter. He wasn’t sure if he was crying or not. He struggled to get the lid off of the vodka because _he was so tired_ and the alcohol proceeded to spill on the counter. Oh well. He poured too much into the cup. He knew it. He didn’t care. He held the glass up to his eye level, watched the imitation water swish around. It smelled awful, it made his nose crinkle, but he knew he needed it. It was his medicine, just like when he was a child. Like when he needed cough medicine. He held it up to his lips, his nostrils flaring, making little circles of steam on the top of the glass. Suddenly he was invigorated, and let the liquid pour into his mouth, trying to swallow as much of it as he could before he gagged. It trickled down his face, onto his jacket. Little drops fell down, past his burnt leg, making little drips on the wooden floor of the house. The glass was empty soon enough. He gasped for air, coughing slightly at the bad taste. He was unhappy, yet he somehow felt beacons of light in his heart, tiny rays calling out to him.

He laughed.

But he wasn’t smiling.

He poured himself another glass.

_This was it_

…

_They were probably an hour outside of Domino by now. The road was dark, the snow started to fall a little bit harder._

_“…And so, Mana jumped out of the pot, and you should have seen the man’s face, Yugi! Actually wait—no you should’ve heard him scream, that was even funnier! Even most girls couldn’t have hit a pitch that high!” Atem was laughing at his memories, that dot on his timeline. Yugi was laughing too, and he felt so full of rich happiness. This was perfect. Everything was so perfect._

_Yugi squeezed his hand._

_Atem squeezed back._

_Atem turned his other hand slightly, approaching a curve in the highway, the railway next to them flying by._

_Yugi gasped suddenly, removing his hand from Atem’s, clapping his own together._

_“Oh, Atem I totally forgot, I bought you something!”_

_Yugi reached down on the floor underneath him, and rummaged through his travel backpack. He was beaming, his eyes were bright. His hands felt around until they grabbed the rectangular object he was looking for. He pulled it out of the bag, and held it up to the light of the road, so Atem could see it. It was a purple deck box made out of tin, with the Eye of Horus carefully hand painted on it. It shined in all of its newness. The top of the box had a tiny compartment for a coin, and possibly a few small dice._

_Atem’s eyes took small glances over, looking back at the road every once and a while so he didn’t drift._

_He smiled. His teeth showed brightly in the darkness. “Yugi… I love it! Thank you.”_

_He used his now free hand to ruffle Yugi’s hair. Yugi smiled with pride._

_“Well, I figured yours was starting to get kinda worn down so I—“_

_He never finished that sentence._

_(There are moments here)_

_…_

If he wasn’t crying before, he was crying now. But he was smiling. He sloppily poured the next drink. He downed it despite the awful taste, more of the clear poison cascading down his face. The rays shown brighter. He felt his hands tingle with a warm, fuzzy feeling. He knew it so well. But he couldn’t enjoy it, there wasn’t enough time. He had to act fast.

“Fff.. fuck,” He already felt his head starting to spin, his legs swayed about, wanting to drag him down to the cold floor. _Not yet._ He poured more, drank it hungrily, gagged, coughed, poured more, drank it, _the rays, the rays, chest thumping with anticipation._ He smiled so hard his cheeks hurt. He swore he saw Atem next to him, telling him to stop. That he’s had enough.

“…You’re rrright. I’ve …had enuff-- ennough.” Yugi lifted the vodka bottle to his lips, downing whatever was left.  He heard his stupid slurred words.

“Why’d ya leave me, you basstard?”

No answer.

“Tooo bad,” Yugi laughed. “I’m coming to…” He stumbled, grabbed onto the counter, held on, but his spine sank, gravitated towards the ground. “I’m going… you.”

He sighed.

“Aaaatem. My …light.”

He lost his balance, his hand slipping from the counter, brushing against the empty bottle. He tumbled down, not bothering to try and support himself with his hands. He hit the cold floor of the house, objects vibrating with the movement around him. His head knocked against the cold tiles, but he didn’t feel it. He hit his knee on the knob of one of the drawers ( _Atem’s favorite hot chocolate mug was in that one, he could hear it shaking, he would swear the whole house was shaking, it was all tumbling down with him, the memories were burning everywhere_ ) but he didn’t feel it.

He stared at the floor. Tiny crumbs, out of focus. The weight of the house was pressing down on him, threatening to merge him with the ground. He was pretty sure he bit his lip on the way down, but he only could tell by the iron-like taste that didn’t compliment the burn of the vodka at all.

Little crumbs. All over. Here and there.

“Tiny… dots…”

…

_He never finished his thought._

_His voice was drowned out by Atem’s scream. He suddenly felt Atem’s arm fly across his chest, pushing him back into his seat._

_Everything happened so slowly_

_The deck box flew from Yugi’s hands_

_He saw Atem’s face_

_His eyes were wide with shock, mouth wide open,_

_And then for a millisecond, Yugi saw what had made him scream. But only for a millisecond. That was all he had._

_The headlights that traveled towards them were growing larger too fast, and were traveling down the wrong side of the road a little too far._

_Then, there was the sudden impact_

_It was loud_

_So fucking loud_

_A crash of glass and metal and the sounds of screams that were indecipherable (he was screaming now too) were recorded into his mind, to be repeated forever._

_Suddenly Yugi was thrown to the left, seatbelt burning into his collarbone, safety glass cutting through him. The car spun to the right, the glass, it was flying all over and fuck what was going on_

_But he knew exactly what was happening_

_It was the sort of thing that you saw on the news,_

_Where you pity the victims that you never knew_

_The names on the screen becoming a body count, a topic of interest_

_A story to share over a newspaper and coffee_

_Until the next tragedy came along._

_The car broke through the railing, and tumbled down the scenic hill below_

_The car twisted in unnatural ways_

_Metal twisted up_

_Branches scratched against the doors_

_There were snapping noises, bending of metals, crashing, tumbling down that scenic hill_

_He only heard himself screaming now_

_Where was the other voice?_

_He screamed his name_

_He didn’t hear him_

_…_

He couldn’t feel his fingers anymore. He was pretty sure his feet were gone too. He couldn’t move at all. _He felt awful, his head, fuck, his stomach,_

His eyes were unfocused, turned towards the ceiling. He was sprawled out on his back. He couldn’t move, _he never felt so still_. His body was frozen. _Finally._ He felt his stomach turn, _he was spinning so fast, his eyes couldn’t catch up_ and bile started to rise in his throat. He was sick. So sick. But he couldn’t move.

He could only see the rays.

The foul liquid in his throat rose up, bubbled in his mouth, slightly dripped down his cheek, into his hair, onto the floor,

_What a mess_

…

_He wasn’t sure if he passed out or not. He only knew that the car had stopped rolling. He also felt tiny cuts, his ears were ringing, his head hurt, his shoulder felt like it was on fire, and what happened to his neck his collarbone why does everything hurt—_

_Wait… that’s right. The other car. Atem screaming._

_…Atem_

_Atem?_

_“Atem!” Yugi shouted, worried, but he wasn’t sure if his attempt at a scream came out correctly. All he heard was a raspy voice, some crickets in the distance. It was so quiet._

_He saw him, then._

_A visual to accompany the noises._

_There he was, his light,_

_His beacon_

_But he wasn’t bright_

_“…Ate…” He couldn’t speak anymore._

_(Oh, he saw him.)_

_He was slumped over in his seatbelt, the windshield was broken in front of him, the dashboard crinkled up like a piece of paper. His stomach was curled over the object lodged inside it, something foreign. His new sweater was stained with that red color, the same color of his eyes. That dull… dull red._

_He stared at the thing that had impaled Atem. It glistened back at him, wet with the color of those eyes, threatening to break through to the other back side of the car seat._

_A branch, maybe? A pole? Part of the car?_

_His head hung loosely, fresh blood painted onto his forehead, collecting on his eyelashes, rolling down his cheeks, his nose, onto that foreign object_

_His eyes were open. They were staring at his lap, but they weren’t. Too vacant. He was snug next to the car door which nestled beside him too perfectly._

_He wasn’t moving. His lips were parted, wet with more blood_

_Yugi felt cold. Everything was so fucking cold. He was fine. He had to be. He always was._

_He reached his arm over (his collarbone screamed in protest, fuck it hurt so fucking bad) and lightly pushed Atem’s shoulder. His eyes didn’t move from his lap. His lips didn’t move._

_His hands didn’t twitch._

_Yugi didn’t breathe._

_“Atem…”_

_“A-Atem…”_

_Yugi stared at him. For what felt like hours._

_He thought that maybe if he looked long enough, Atem would suddenly look up, his eyes bright, and his mouth would be gasping for air. And they wouldn’t be hurting, Atem wouldn’t be bleeding all over the place, and they would go home together_

_But Atem had already left their home for the last time._

_He didn’t try to wake him up. He knew. He didn’t want to know, but he did._

_He was so fucking devastated, he didn’t cry. He was past that point, he didn’t even know how to register or comprehend what was going on, what he was feeling, anything_

_Yugi slowly removed his hand from his shoulder, slowly moved it down to Atem’s hand_

_He laced his fingers into it_

_Glass met his skin there, he didn’t care_

_There was glass everywhere, it shined like snow_

_He squeezed the hand too hard._

_The hand didn’t squeeze back_

_Atem’s eyes were unmoving, dark_

_Dark like all of the blood around him_

_Blood that was supposed to be in his body_

_Then,_

_Then… Yugi finally screamed._

_And he screamed._

_The beacon stopped moving_

_It was so dark outside, snow drifted into the car_

_He screamed_

_Atem was dead_

_…_

Joey found Yugi the next morning.

He came to apologize; he knew his friend was in trouble. He needed him, sure he could be an asshole nowadays, but he was still so important to him. He saved his life. Multiple times. He drove up to the house. The lawn looked like it hadn’t been tended to in months, wild plants grew everywhere. Yugi’s car was parked half on the driveway, the wheels were partly in the muddy holes were grass used to be.

Joey laughed. But pangs of sadness stung his heart. His friend was a mess, all right.

He walked up to the front door, where piles of unread newspapers collected, mushy and yellowed, little pockets of rainwater collected in the plastic bags that protected them. He rang the doorbell, waited.

He looked around the porch, not really seeking anything in particular. He rolled on his feet slightly, played with a quarter he left in his jean pocket.

After a while, he looked at the door again. No answer.

He rang the doorbell.

He spaced out, staring without interest at the chipping paint on the door.

No answer.

“In the shower, maybe?” Joey thought out loud, but he stepped to the left and peeked through the window next to the door just in case.

The glass had strange rivets in it that made it hard to see through, but he could still make out…

Something…

The kitchen was in sight. God, his house was a mess.

And he swore he could see…

On the floor, there in the kitchen--

No.

Oh no.

_Nononononono_

He ran down the porch stairs and through the grass, struggled to open the gate into the back yard

_Please be okay_

_Please, damn it!_

He shifted his feet too fast in the grass and fell down. Mud stained his pants, his knees groaned as he got back up again.

He ran up to the back door, the glass sliding door that was a direct exit from the kitchen. There was the counter. The fucking wreck of a home.

Then, he _saw him_

_No_

_Yugi, Yugi please no, God no I’m so sorry_

He yanked on the door. Locked.

_Sofuckingsorry_

He turned and looked for any blunt object he could find, a rock, a garden item, _anything_

He settled on a decorative stone dragon that sat next to their grill that had barely been used. He spun it around in his arms, let it leave his fingertips and fly through the door

The glass shattered, it gave in without a fight

There, on the floor, was what remained of his friend

_Hisbestfuckingfriend_

Frankly, Yugi looked like shit.

His clothes were dirty, his hair was greasy, his face was pale ( _dead looking_ ) and his face was staring up at the ceiling. But his eyes didn’t move. There was mostly clear fluid next to his head, clumping his hair into little chunks.

“Yugi!” Joey didn’t miss the shattered bottle of vodka on the floor, or the tipped over glass on the counter.

Joey shook his shoulders, screamed at him, shook him more, turned him on his side _(anything, just please don’t take him from me)_ and nothing was fucking _working_ his body was too cold to be normal and

He knew.

He removed his hands from his shoulders. Slowly. Gently.

He grabbed one of his hands. It didn’t twitch.

He let out a shaky breath.

It had probably been a few hours now, huh?

“Yugi… you … y-you fucking—“ Joey took a second to try and swallow, he knew there were tears hot on his face. His voice sounded like someone elses. “You fucking idiot…”

“You f-fucking…” A choked sob.

“Idiot…”

He wasn’t surprised that much, honestly.

He knew something like this would happen. Ever since the crash, he had never been the same. That was to be expected, but Yugi never recovered. Even after therapy, insurance money, the drunk driver going to jail. _He was going around seventy-five miles an hour. Fucking idiot. Hope he rots._ Yugi eventually met the wrong people, went to the wrong clubs, came home with the wrong men. He was living a life that was not his own. It was as if when Atem’s spirit passed on, it took Yugi’s too, and left the rotten emotions that dwelled at the bottom of hearts to be in charge of his body. Everyone left him alone, hoping he could figure it out all on his own. He had talked to him last week. He was supposed to move in with him. _Rent can be hard to pay when you live on your own, when you don’t show up to work and get fired because you got too fucked up the night before and_ most of the kitchen and living room was in boxes, with junk scattered everywhere. There was still a lot to be done. He was supposed to move in _next week._ ….He was.

Joey knew.

Yugi was dead.

“Yuge…” An old nickname he hadn’t used since high school.

He held him there, cried on him despite the absolute _reek_ he had. The smell of death, alcohol, smoke, _and fuck when was the last time he had showered_

_He had been dead for hours, lifeless, he had died alone, God he was so stupid--_

He held him anyways.

He looked up at the ceiling.

“Atem… I hope you… I hope you’re happy now.”

And he cried.

Called the police.

Called Kaiba. Tea. Bakura. His friends. His grandpa, although he was starting to forget names, forget people. It was old age. _Lucky bastard._

He cried more.

He looked around. Tiny objects, here and there. A tiny bird that seemed to have been crafted out of a wooden puzzle sat on a table next to the front door. Candles. Atem’s house slippers were still at the door, just kind of pushed to the side of the wall. Cigarettes. Clothes. Blankets. Scarves. Little things. A movie. Books. Just objects.

They no longer held memories.

They were made of wood, of cotton, of cheap materials

All replaceable

He heard a car pull up to the driveway.

He gently set Yugi down, closed his eyes.

He wiped the tears from his cheeks with his sleeve, and unlocked the front door. Boxes littered the floor. Some labeled, some plain. On the wall next to the door was a map of the world.

He opened the door. They came in. They took him.

He was gone, left all of these little items behind

They collected dust, wasted space

Wooden objects, seemingly meaningless

Lost in space

_Wasted space_

 

_There are moments here,_

_Only yours and mine._

_Tiny dots_

_On an endless_

_Timeline_

_…_

 


End file.
